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(no subject) [Apr. 25th, 2009|12:36 pm]
is that you?
Invisibility woman!

Super Power: well, you can't see her.

Super Weakness: her sniveling and crying often make it pretty easy to pinpoint her location.

To Kill Her: train your eyes on somewhere in the room and she will move until she is right in front of you; this way she can pretend you are looking at her. Then aim your gun straight ahead and fire. She'll die instantly.
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(no subject) [Apr. 10th, 2009|12:46 pm]
is that you?
Text messages are funny. They're like what happens when e-mails and winging it have a baby.

me: oh my gosh i love cold mountain

jen: OMG I HATE MT FUCKIHG HAIR

I dunno.
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(no subject) [Feb. 22nd, 2009|07:24 pm]
is that you?
I'm not [that] crazy; I just have no one to talk to. Just give me a reason to cry.
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(no subject) [Feb. 17th, 2009|08:24 pm]
is that you?
I'm extremely lonely, but it's flesh and bones lonely.

I've come to the realization- awareness, whatever- that God is with me. He's here. I know this. But I know that he knows that I value a stupid little thing called a human connection. I'm such a mushy mess. Love may not matter as much to everyone, fine, but to me it's everything. I want to fall so far in it that I smell of it, that it's in my skin and flooding my pores. And God knows this. I mean, He knows us. And so He must know this.

The question is (or at least the question that I've been asking myself lately): Am I supposed to be married to God, if you will? Am I supposed to live my life without this passionate emotion and completely be with my faith and my faith alone? Possibly it would benefit my work; maybe I'll be able to help more people without this type of relationship that I seek. Possibly, it just means the most to God if I give up such a huge dream of mine for Him. I don't know.

I'm taking care of a guinea pig right now. Maybe he should suffice for the mean time. If only he'd been here for Valentine's Day. Yak.
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(no subject) [Feb. 9th, 2009|07:49 pm]
is that you?
I don't know what to do.

Mom's view: I don't believe in fate and that things happen for a reason. You make it happen, honey.

But deep down I still can't help but think: Oh! this happened because God's trying to tell me this!

Arghhh! What if it is all about free will? Maybe there are coincidences, but mostly it's up to me . . . up to you. Maybe God is watching, but it's just us to make things happen.

But then Mom also said about getting something fairy-ish for my cousin's twin ridiculously adorable baby girls: It must have been a sign from God or something because there they were! - And she held up two cute little fairy dolls, in case you were wondering.

And Also!

When I was trying to get over someone who I definitely should have already been way over (we're talking Over-The-Rainbow over), I asked God if I should move on or keep holding on. And the next day I found out the real reason he had broken things off - which made me realize once and for all that it was not right. We weren't right. A sign?

So, possibly, I have a new thesis. We have free will and we have all these options in life and all these possibilities - but we're the one's who decide where we'll end up, and what we want to do in life. Along the paths we choose, though, maybe God contributes every once and a while. Maybe He shows us that He's there through little things, little things that can help strengthen our faith in Him. If they were huge and obvious, we wouldn't need to trust blindly - right? So we keep the faith. And He helps us with pinky finger magic, like with finding a present or healing a hurt heart.

BUT I need His help now. I don't know what to do.

This boy (oh don't roll your eyes!) who I know deep in my bones is special, well I don't have the opportunity to put myself out there and make it all possible. So does that mean it's not meant to be? I'm not trying to leave it up to Him, but it's hard not to. I've never wanted to get to know someone so much before.

All before I felt a pull toward this intriguing tall boy who dresses like a grandpa. And I thought it was because he bugged me or because he knew someone I was dating. I want to know his favorite color and why he likes Modest Mouse, and what he believes in, what exactly he wants to do when he gets out of this PLU bubble. I want to know him and it's driving me crazy.

God, are you there with your pinky finger or is this something I'm gonna have to do with you just looking over my shoulder?

Oy vey.
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(no subject) [Jan. 27th, 2009|09:00 am]
is that you?
I'm the bare minimum.
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(no subject) [Jan. 16th, 2009|03:05 pm]
is that you?
Oh gosh. I'm bored in the worst way. I'm sorry to everyone I love and everyone I'm around, but I don't want to be around you right now. That sounds so bad, so mean. But I need a break. A new, cracklecrackle pop electrifying wow hello type of break.

I'm just so dulled down, like the pencils that I haven't sharpened--those that I don't like to write with. I need to get away.

I'm sorry, but I don't want to take anyone with me. ooooy.
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(no subject) [Jan. 16th, 2009|12:09 am]
is that you?
I've been gone for a while.

In that time I met a boy, disengaged from this boy, and now avoid this boy. I've grown, I think. I've become more comfortable with myself, maybe. But I'm still scared of actually defining myself. And maybe that's okay. I think I'm more independent. And I'm more sure of where I'm going. Destination = somewhere happy, with love on my tongue (and in my heart and my hands), not that much money in my bank account, and animals in my house. And I've lost a pet, who was more of a friend and a confidante.

I've lost my mind a few times, too.


I don't know if I'm doing anything right. I'm ready to be passionate about someone, but what if I'm not capable of it? I know I'm supposed to be more open, smile more at them, actually make eye-contact, actually put myself out there.

mama: "Be more open."

How do I do that?

And why is it so easy for everyone else? I think my shoes are soggy from my woe-is-me deep, deep puddle. Blah!

And it's not just me who thinks there's something wrong with this. My aunt's mom asked me at my cousin's birthday party in front of my little giggly cousins if I'm dating anyone. Bloody hell. I'm barely comfortable enough talking about it with myself.

jo: Do you go on any dates though?

me: Um well I don't really have much time. I'm kind of concentrating on school and blahblahbullshityadayadaawkwardbullshit.

jo: But just some dates sometimes? Any dates?

me: I'm really busy . . .

jo: Not ever?

me: Um . . .

jo: Don't you ever go out to the movies with boys? Ever?

My cousins were then cracking up and shushing her as my face made the entire room radiate from the Allysun.

I'm trying to figure out if I'm okay. I'm not sure. When I tell myself I am okay, I wonder if maybe it's God who's telling me that.

Thank you, God.
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(no subject) [May. 6th, 2007|05:22 pm]
is that you?
suck it, realism.

maybe I'm not as much of an idealist as I once thought.
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(no subject) [Apr. 7th, 2007|09:59 pm]
is that you?
I think . . . that I am, and forever will be (as a pessimistic add-on), an observer.

Watch, read, study, notice, write. I don't do. Lazily, I wonder if maybe I can't. Maybe I'm not supposed to be active in life and to be a go-getter. I have the friends and the family and the books and the t.v. shows that demonstrate dilemmas and relationships and LIFE. And I react to that, although the influences on me are fucking useless. My involvement is useless. Yeah, we won't narrow it down anymore (I am uselessBLAH).

I don't happen, so things - in exchange - don't happen to me. It can't be all about risk, can it? What the hell kind of risks do I need to take, then, to not be a waste?

It seriously never changes. Epiphany, hah. Lightbulb-idea it up, yeah right! It's a cycle of shit and a roundabout pile of people aging and growing and devloping and me still being THE SAME. SAMESAMESAME.

you think of moving on, but your sign 'moving on or bust' just flew away, dumb ass.


-observer
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