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I don't know what to do. Mom's view: I don't believe in fate and… - i'm spacy [entries|archive|friends|userinfo]
is that you?

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[Feb. 9th, 2009|07:49 pm]
is that you?
I don't know what to do.

Mom's view: I don't believe in fate and that things happen for a reason. You make it happen, honey.

But deep down I still can't help but think: Oh! this happened because God's trying to tell me this!

Arghhh! What if it is all about free will? Maybe there are coincidences, but mostly it's up to me . . . up to you. Maybe God is watching, but it's just us to make things happen.

But then Mom also said about getting something fairy-ish for my cousin's twin ridiculously adorable baby girls: It must have been a sign from God or something because there they were! - And she held up two cute little fairy dolls, in case you were wondering.

And Also!

When I was trying to get over someone who I definitely should have already been way over (we're talking Over-The-Rainbow over), I asked God if I should move on or keep holding on. And the next day I found out the real reason he had broken things off - which made me realize once and for all that it was not right. We weren't right. A sign?

So, possibly, I have a new thesis. We have free will and we have all these options in life and all these possibilities - but we're the one's who decide where we'll end up, and what we want to do in life. Along the paths we choose, though, maybe God contributes every once and a while. Maybe He shows us that He's there through little things, little things that can help strengthen our faith in Him. If they were huge and obvious, we wouldn't need to trust blindly - right? So we keep the faith. And He helps us with pinky finger magic, like with finding a present or healing a hurt heart.

BUT I need His help now. I don't know what to do.

This boy (oh don't roll your eyes!) who I know deep in my bones is special, well I don't have the opportunity to put myself out there and make it all possible. So does that mean it's not meant to be? I'm not trying to leave it up to Him, but it's hard not to. I've never wanted to get to know someone so much before.

All before I felt a pull toward this intriguing tall boy who dresses like a grandpa. And I thought it was because he bugged me or because he knew someone I was dating. I want to know his favorite color and why he likes Modest Mouse, and what he believes in, what exactly he wants to do when he gets out of this PLU bubble. I want to know him and it's driving me crazy.

God, are you there with your pinky finger or is this something I'm gonna have to do with you just looking over my shoulder?

Oy vey.